Hello Friends!! 

It is so good to be back! 

The last time I made an entry was almost a year ago. I hope you have been well. I've missed you. 

September, October, November, and December were a blur for me. I remember most of it being depressed and ridden with anxiety. It was a humbling experience. Simple tasks seemed monumental. Time was slipping. Life was overwhelming. 

Then it got better. 

We had an amazing Thanksgiving & Christmas. Tia got us a portable karaoke speaker. We had a live show and everyone sang!!

Stef and I rang the New Year with our best friend and her family <3 

I (we) graduated from chemotherapy with just enough red and white blood cells. All the hair was harmed in the making of cancer-free Leila. My brows and lashes fought hard for their place up until November. They are now fully back and lustrous!!

I went on my first-ever cruise with my bestie! 

We attended our first-ever wedding and first-ever Indian wedding. The food was fantastic. The festivities were bright and full of love. 

I (we) had a double mastectomy and it's been healing sweetly. The pathology report showed no sign of cancer- Another win! Thank you, Stef, for being my limbs while I comfortably retreated in my recliner. You helped lift a thousand pounds of guilt I used to feel whenever I asked for help. You were there with me willingly, patiently, and lovingly. You made sure I slept, ate, and drained properly (hugs!!) My parents remained my personal chefs crafting endless delicious meals that not only healed my wound but also my heart and soul. They are the reason behind my notation of "we" because I could not have done it alone. 

I turned 30. I wish I could tell you how glad I was to have made it! I am grateful to be here. 

We danced our hearts out celebrating our friends' wedding. 

We slept under the stars on some perfect late spring nights in the desert.

We made new friends.

I (we) survived 25 rounds of radiation therapy. Our parents gave us a gift of experience to a local fancy restaurant where we celebrated the end of cancer treatments. 

Stef turned 30 and we celebrated him with a surprise party in the woods. It was a magical time with the most wonderful people. We had a Taco Night, Thai lunch, and Mediterranean dinner paired with Pistachio birthday cupcakes. It was the summer solstice. The air was crisp. We toasted marshmallows over the crackling campfire. Jerry had 5 s'mores. Perfectly oozily golden every.single.time. Everything in this scene was perfect. That weekend will live in my mind for many years to come. 

We reconnected with old friends, made new friends, and spent nights in the woods with them, under the canopy of tall trees right by the ocean. It was a full moon. We car-camped, and ate tacos, poke, and more tacos!! 

We slept at an old mill in Petaluma. 

We made more tacos!! I'm still recovering from our last taco feast. It was just 2 days ago. 

Life at full speed. I am thriving. I am so honored and thankful that you are here with me, and that I get to be a part of your life. Thank you!

In case you're wondering if I'm saying goodbye, I am not. Instead, I am working on establishing a more developed platform that has more capacity for me to make it a nice place for you to visit. The new platform will feature Miss Flowy Pants' blog, recipes, and more. It will be a minute until it's ready. Until then, we will rendezvous here. 

Stef and I are going on another adventure soon. It's the biggest one yet. Can't wait to show you! 

Thanks for coming by. Always lovely to have you <3

Leila 

#10-August 22, 2023- Our trip to Napa

Two posts in one day!!!

Last week we went to Napa for a getaway. Our friend Betty treated us to a lovely photoshoot session. Here are some snippets! 

#8- August 7, 2023- Hello Sleepiness, my old friend! 

And just like that, round 3 is a distant memory. This rollercoaster journey would have been a wild ride without that trusty, magical nausea potion. It does have a downside, though – it turns me into a sleepy sloth. I've been sleeping before the sun rises and still catching z's when it sets. But, hey, some nights, like tonight, my body decides it's time to be productive – talk about timing! But wait, there's good news coming your way! The lump is now less than half its original size – progress, my friend, progress!

Now, speaking of progress, I had a dad joke moment during my drive home, and I couldn't wait to tell Stef. Little did I know, that very joke was the cause of a past argument with my ex-husband. It was the same one that made me realize how suffocating my marriage was becoming and how much I wished I was free. Ah, the memories! Cancer may be a bummer, but years ago I wished to be exactly where I am now, joyous and happy. Cheers to progress number 2! 

Did I tell you, I made new friends at the infusion center? Debra and Karen, my new and sweetest friends. I think our shenanigans caught Debra and Karen's attention, or maybe it's our young and silly love and the fact that we seem to have the most fun among all the patients there. Honestly, I look forward to my infusion days. I settle in my favorite corner, where I can recline the chair flat, pick out some new snacks, put on my frozen accessories, cushioned with my silky pillows, and slowly drift away once the Benadryl cocktail hits. Every time, I am an inch closer to being done. 

Oh, and there's a hairy situation! My hair is falling like there's no tomorrow. It's everywhere – my food, my mouth, even the bathroom and kitchen floors. Everywhere but my head! Talk about rude hair behavior! Thankfully, my best friend is treating us to a photo shoot next week, so fingers crossed my hair doesn't bail on me too quickly. We got work to do!! 

Being at home has its perks, and I'm embracing the extra sleep, but oh, how I miss my customers! They're more like family to me – "framily," if you will. Dan & Ada, you know who you are – thanks for the love since day one.

I miss whipping things up like the olden days, you know, like 10 weeks ago when life was so different then. The other day, I magically came up with a three-course menu using only chicken breast as inspiration. You wouldn't believe how scrumptious it turned out to be – success!

Last week I attended a meeting with an organization to bid for a fundraiser dinner.  As I was leaving home with my newly laminated menu, I was told it had a different themed menu. I had a mere three minutes to create a brand-new menu, and luckily, Stef's mom was my saving grace. With my laminated menu in hand and the new one, I made an impression that led to a surprising offer – they wanted me as the organization's president! Who would have thought? A year ago, I was the new kid on the block. Since September, we have been featured on the Fresno Bee twice and then made the front page of Food & Drink, became friends with my customers, and now I’m cooking a five-star meal for over 100 people! Progress, progress everywhere! I hope you are proud. 

Life may feel a tad stagnant but I’m celebrating every win, big or small. It's the progress that keeps me going, and I'm savoring every step of the journey, with a calm and happy heart. So, here's to progress, laughter, and embracing life's quirks along the way! 

Ps: If you read post #7 last week, you must have realized I never got around to uploading the promised bonus story on my trip to Chile last year. It's now posted and you can check it out below post #7. Sorry I fell asleep LOL. 

Flashback to National Park Torres Del Paine, Chile. 

Chile 🇨🇱- Mission Impossible Made Possible.

One moment we were watching dolphins off the Magellan Strait. The next, we hastily grabbed our bags, jumped off the bus at the Argentinian border, and ran off to Chile while the armed Argentinian border patrols screamed at us to turn around. The story could have ended there if they had the “shoot first, ask later” policy.

Just a few hours earlier, we hopped on the bus from Ushuaia to Rio Gallegos, which was never the intended destination. We wanted to go to Punta Arenas, the southernmost city in Chile. It’s one border east of Ushuaia. Easy right?! Wrong. Shutdown borders shut down bus lines. A somewhat simple passage turned into, bare with me here: cross Argentinian’s northern border to Chile, leave Chile to re-enter Argentina, to Rio Gallegos, then literally turn around, take another bus, cross Argentina into Chile at the same dang border, AGAIN!

Did you catch all that? Me neither. That’s why we ran off to Chile asking them to let us in the first time so we wouldn’t have to travel another day in a loop. The Chilean officers kindly listened and drove us straight back to the border where we ran from because we needed a few more stamps from Argentina. The comedic officers in Argentina told us that they just couldn’t today. Maybe come back tomorrow. Of course, I asked to speak with a manager. The next half hour involved lots of persuasion and borderline begging. At last, our desperate attempt to risk our lives running away from the border probably gained some pity from the top officiating who then gave us those stamps!!! Back to Chile, we went. This time we leisurely walked to enjoy the no man’s land and the absence of the screaming voices from border agents. In the middle of a windy desert with daylight fading, we waved down every passing truck since there were no buses or taxis. At many points, I thought we were going to spend the night at a bus stop. Then 2 kind truckers gave us a ride to Punta Arenas, which was 3 hours from the border. Here’s the view that’s worth all the hassle

#6- July 22nd , 2023- Embracing dolce far niente

Life has been a peach! I feel a bit tired from time to time, but it's nothing I can't handle. Overall, I'm feeling well and grateful for the chance to appreciate the little things. Even though my appetite has been a bit less adventurous, I'm discovering the joy in savoring familiar, comforting meals whenever I'm hungry. My dad has been an absolute rockstar, brightening my mornings with his calls, asking what I'd like for dinner. His ability to nail the meal every time, without any instructions or recipes, is truly impressive!

As we spend our days here, we've discovered the art of finding joy in simple pleasures. Yesterday was pure bliss; we started the day off by soaking in the pool before the sun got too warm. The feeling of water against our skin, combined with the refreshing breeze, made for an incredibly rejuvenating morning. Then we enjoyed a simple lunch and treated ourselves to another sweet nap. Our evening brought us a unique dining experience in the pool, and even the eager mosquitoes couldn't wait to feast on us. 

Every moment here is a beautiful reminder of the simple joys life has to offer. Embracing the sweetness of doing nothing has allowed me to cherish every smile, every laugh, and every tender moment shared with loved ones. 

#5- July 18th, 2023 - Chemo Day! 

Chemo day has arrived, and I'm feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Last night, I stayed up until the early hours, relishing the taste of my dad's delectable Banh Canh. Savoring the flavors with my unaltered taste buds, realizing that soon many aspects of me would undergo transformation. It was like the anticipation and transformation one experiences in becoming a mother—a poignant mix of emotions and a way to say goodbye to my old self.

Stef busied himself around the house, gathering ice packs to protect my hands and feet from neuropathy. He was searching for a swim cap while holding a handful of gallon-sized ziplock bags in his hand. When I asked about the bags, he replied that it was to preserve my hair. The plan was to fill the bags with ice, place them over my head, and secure it all with the swim cap. He paused, held me gently, and comforted me, "You might look ridiculous, but you'll have your hair a little longer." Though I've come to accept that hair loss is part of the process, I still feel a bit sad about it. Stef understood and tried to make it as easy for me as possible.

Leaving the house with an oversized tote, a cooler filled with ice packs, pillows, and water tumblers, we resembled soon-to-be parents. I felt a light sense of sadness. We had never planned on having children, but the option being taken away tickled me not-so-funny. 

As we walked into the transfusion center with our full haul, I felt a bit self-conscious. Others had nothing more than a handbag and a book. Some were alone, and some were accompanied by tired-looking husbands. Most of the patients were seniors, sitting in silence. I wondered where their belongings were. Perhaps they had become jaded and couldn't bear any extra burdens? 

And then there was us, a 29-year-old rookie couple, finding a corner spot shielded from Fresno's generous sunlight. Stef set up a little campsite for us while I settled into the recliner chair, enchantedly adoring my Prince Charming engineering my ice helmet. My heart was melting faster than the ice itself. Soon, we had two bags of ice – one for the back of my head and one for the top, playfully daring gravity to join since we couldn't find the swim cap. The top bag occasionally fell, but Stef was there to pick it up every time. 

Stef is curious. He was excited to watch the ice machine making ice. He checked out the snack station and brought me some munchies. But he can also be serious. He watched the nurse administering my transfusion closely and asked questions I didn’t even know I would have liked to know. 

We couldn't resist playing around with the ice helmet again, trying out different setups and giggling the whole time—carefree and playful. A nurse remarked to her colleague that it was nice to hear laughter in the center, a sound they had been missing. Well, they better be ready for us because we're going to be frequent visitors for the next six months. We'll have plenty of time to kill and an abundance of giggly adoration for our own brand of silliness. After all, we're just a couple of kids making memories. A transfusion center isn't exactly a romantic date spot, but we're making the best of what we have, and I couldn't be more thankful.

Six hours later, drip by drip, we were done. It felt surprisingly easier than I had expected. My body gracefully accepted the new drugs, and I experienced no discomfort. I slept through most of it, waking up only when a nurse needed to administer a new batch of drugs to verify my name and birthday. I know it might not always be this easy, so I’m cherishing every sweet little thing that came our way. 

Tonight, we watched Look Both Ways, a movie about a young college graduate named Natalie, whose life takes unexpected turns. In one reality, she becomes a mother and lives with her parents, while in another, her dream life goes on as planned. There is a scene where she and her boyfriend, a bearded prince who adores animals, are on a goat farm, playfully rubbing their faces against the soft fur of a baby goat. Stef squeezed my face affectionately and joyfully said, "We'll have our own babies, and they'll be baby goats." 

I wanted to say, "I can't wait," but I caught myself and thought, "Yes, of course, I can. And I will." I look forward to the day when we can have a little farm with silky goats. Stef's gentle nature extends to all living beings, and it would be such a joy to see him pampering those adorable animals. It was supposed to be our two-year plan, but for now, it's on the back burner. Some days. Natalie experiences many joyous, sad, and heart-wrenching moments in both realities, but in the end, she finds love and becomes a successful illustrator, just as she wished. I glanced at Stef with excitement and a big smile that squished my cheeks up to my eyes so that I could barely see his squishy cheeks, and I whispered, "If it's meant to be, it will be. We were meant to find each other, and we found our way.” This is just another chapter in our adventure, and I can not be more thankful for the love, laughter, and hope that fills our hearts. 

Hugs to everyone who checked in on me. I'm still in awe that I am so loved and cared for by many. <3

#3- July 13th, 2023- Getting ready for chemotherapy

When I learned that my cancer had progressed to stage 3, I naively asked Stef, "Is that bad?" Deep down, I had an inkling, but I was desperately hoping for a comforting lie. In his usual calming voice, Stef responded, "We can look it up together." Stef doesn't lie. He delivers news in a way that doesn't instill fear, just the way I like. Instead, it brings comfort.  I had never truly understood the profound meaning of having a supportive and loving partner before. I used to believe that finding a partner meant simply choosing someone we liked enough, declaring our love, sharing some goals, and building a life together. We would inevitably encounter disagreements, grow weary of sharing the same space during a global pandemic, and occasionally fight. We would embark on adventures together, believing we loved each other. But then, one day, we would move on to the next person we liked just a little more and start all over. 

Then on a beautiful day in September,  I met Stef, who changed my entire world. He shows me love in ways I have unknowingly longed for my entire adult life. His love is gentle. It’s truly the best thing about Stef. Gentle. He calms my chaotic mind. He rests my tired soul. Stef finds it calming when I brush my fingertips on his back. I indulge the way his back feels on my fingertips; so snuggly comforting like the way your mattress hugs you after a long day at work. He holds my vulnerable self together. It’s my kind of high. It’s the highest of any highs. I found him, without even looking. Serendipity, baby! 

In the shower today, I sang along to “Make You Feel My Love”

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love

Why does one have to suffer to show love and feel loved? Who made the rules here???

In my last relationship, I made sacrifices and compromises, traveled too many extra miles just to show my partner I was worth loving. But that didn’t work. Then Stef shows me how it can be done. We don’t have to lose ourselves to love and be loved. The right love will just love the perfect little package that you are. Well, most of me, because one of my titties isn’t acting right. 

I couldn’t help but think about what I would do for Stef. I can’t really do much these days. The cancer has spread to the breast wall causing swelling and stabbing pain that can be too distracting to be functional at times. Long-term plans have taken a backseat as my life now revolves around my battle. The days ahead are daunting and certainly unknown. My whole life of adventures has been training me for this defining moment. I promise to be brave to live till the days we are old and grumpy, to still run my fingertips on your back and soar the high, to lean in to give you a kiss at 7am while you’re still sound asleep but just awake enough to nod your head and mumble that you love me too. Babycakes, I will live for you.